Mutiples Speak

Shelters From The Storm-by Jana D.

To:"All Those who look into our eyes."

"Where do I begin? I have many to choose from. Many more than I can remember.

Of those I do remember, where should I start?

I could start with age four when I was sexually abused by a 'well loved' neighbor.

I could start at age nine when my teacher stripped me naked, bound my hands and feet, then threw me into a cold shower. All done to punish me for 'making up stories of a fine man.'

How about age fourteen when someone I loved and who supposedly loved me, beat me with a belt until I screamed and cowered into a corner? If those events aren't traumatic enough, then maybe I should choose the age of fifteen when I was blackmailed into becoming a 'brood bitch' for a black market adoption ring. Maybe I should start with all of the babies born to me that were taken from me either through 'adoption' or death.

Where then, does one start? Or more correctly. Where do 'many' start?

Maybe the gruesome details of all the traumatic incidents are not the important point. Maybe it is more important to tell you that when you look into our eyes you will see pain; more than many, less than even more. We think (most of us anyway) that the results of this pain are the most important consideration.

The results of this pain are 'us'. Many of us compacted into one body. It is called Multiple Personality Disorder. We would like to explain what this means to us.

MPD means missed days and weeks and for some of us even missed years; missed appointments, birthdays, holidays, weeks, and weeks of missed school and work.

It means embarrassment, sadness, humiliation, fear and most of all, a lifetime of confusion.

Once in awhile, it can even mean some good times. But most importantly, it means SURVIVAL.

Many would think that the pain of the multiple abuses would be enough to send most into insanity. So why, many ask, should they also suffer from the multitudes of minds? Suffer? We think not. We do not SUFFER FROM MPD. We SURVIVE because of MPD. Without it I and WE would have died long ago. MPD is our shelter from the storms.

We have come to the point where many of us have joined or integrated into others and before the end of this life, more will blend to make fewer. We doubt seriously, however, that we will ever fuse to make 'one'.

We don't consider this such a bad future.

Many people think that multiples must be 'one' before they are considered cured. This may be the case for many multiples and we consider them fortunate. But other multiples, like us, will be grateful for a compromise among our selves. We want people to understand that we may never be considered an individual. We want people's love and respect anyway.

We would like to leave all of you who read with this one thought: WE ALL WANT AND NEED YOUR LOVE AND UNDER- STANDING, so please don't condemn us for being us. Instead as you look into our eyes, see our pain and understand that ALL of us (you and us alike) are, or can become shelters from the storm."

"We Are All Very Hungry For Life"

by Kathy

"How fleeting the lightnes of my Spirit is.
How heavy and endless are the Dark Moments, How long they
seem to linger.
Always to be lurking close by, Threatening. Waiting in 
every innocent Shadow. I run by joyful in movement, in spirit, 
unsupecting of their presence. Momentarily lulled into a sense 
of peace, of security and they Grab. And because I was not 
watching I am drawn tightly within their grasp. What to do?
Do I exchange the fleeting moments of llifht free footsteps
to be ever lost in caution and watchfulness
Never to know the World or her Bounty
No...I must Risk and run into the Peace and Freedom if for 
only a moment.
For I am, We are, so Hungry!"


"From the Outside"

by Susan P.

From the outside, people see just one;
but from the inside, we all see each other, just as we are...
...little girls gazing out curioulsy at colored leaves
   dancing and playing in patterns on the pavement...
...little boys bouncing along and balancing bravely
   with arms spread wide as we step along the street curb...
...grown-up girls glancing both ways to look for cars and,
   seeing none, allowing the balancing game to continue
   until gently guiding us across the street...
...grown-up boys, as committed protectors,
   escorting us past any and all potential dangers
   with sincere and genuine caring.

And this is how we are from the inside,
         all parts together,
         yet still our separate selves."


"Many of One"

by "All of Me" and the A-Team

Hi. My name is many, so many am I. I am a lady, but yet
I am a man. I am an adult, yet I am a child. I am meek, yet I 
am bold. I have many talents and speak in many different voices,
yet I am one. I have many in my family, big and small, yet I have
none.
I can be many things at one time. I can be happy, but then
be sad. Or I can be fun and then be afraid. I like to be at
peace with myself, and yet I am only a piece of myself. I can
remember almost everything but yet I forget all things. I have
pain, but yet feel none at all. My thoughts are many, yet I 
hold only a few. My eyes see many things, yet my mind holds 
illusions.
I am old enough to think, yet too young to know. I can travel
many places, yet I never leave the room. I can always see
yesterday, and never remember today. I am big, but yet I am 
small. I am old, but no, I am young. I am me, yet I still
become you. I have a lot of love, yet I hate. I have many
friends, and yourng ones to play with, yet I am still alone.
I talk to many people, and they talk to me, yet I talk not at
all.
I hold a lot of dreams, and yet the dreams still hold me. I
have a lot of ideas, and many fantasies too, yet I know them not
at all. I can see and know what is real, yet I am in a fairy
tale. I can talk of many things, yet I keep a 'secret'.I have
but one life, yet I live many.
You know me, yet I not know you. You see the good, but I know
the bad. You see the laughter, while I am sad. I hear many 
voices, yet there's no one around. I know not my faith, yet I
have hope. I am all things, yet I am none. I can see and feel 
the sun, but I still walk in darkness. I can say one thing, but
mean many. I hear the cries, yet you hear the birds. I know of
things, yet not of life.
I know of people, but not as friends. So when you see me 
(yet I don't see you), speak to me as many.k And many will 
speak to you.


From the book: "Multiple Personality Disorder
From the Inside Out" Edited by
Barry M. Cohen, Esther Giller, Lynn W.

Dissociation Main Page