One of the most effective ways to claim your power is to have strong, healthy personal boundaries. Boundaries are tools you can use to overcome oppression, to resist the negative, homophobic messages so persistent in our culture, and to take in support and nurturing from others. There is a feedback loop between healthy boundaries and self-esteem: self-esteem enables us to have strong boundaries, and strong boundaries in turn enhance self-esteem.

A boundary is like a border or a limit between us and others. Boundaries can be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Examples of physical boundaries include our sense of personal space, sexual orientation and privacy. Other physical boundaries may involve clothes, shelter, safety, money, space, noise or smoke pollution, time, etc. Mental and emotional boundaries concern our beliefs, feelings, choices, interests, relationships, responsibilities, respect and so on. Spiritual boundaries relate to religion, spiritual practices, and our connection to our Inner Self and our Higher Power. Within these four domains, we have both receptive boundaries, which are self-protective, and expressive boundaries, which are respectful of others. We have guidelines or belief systems for each type of boundary. For example, a receptive boundary belief could be "it's not ok for anyone to verbally abuse me," and an expressive boundary belief could be "it's not ok for me to verbally abuse others".

We can think of a boundary as being like a wall around us. That wall may be high and thick and built of strong boulders, with no doors or windows, impermeable to all comers. At the other extreme, it may be low and weak and easily breeched by anyone. Neither of these types of boundaries serves us well. While the first type ensures that no one can ever hurt us, it also keeps us isolated from possible intimacy and support. The second leaves us vulnerable to abuse and manipulation. A more desirable wall might be made of bricks and have good windows and a gate with a good lock controlled by us. We can then decide who and what to let in or lock out.

Boundaries are closely related to the psychological "games" we play in our relationships with others. The therapeutic tool I use most often in my counselling practice to look at these games is the Drama Triangle concept developed by Steve Karpman. In the Drama Triangle there are three roles: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.

All of us play each of these roles from time to time. When we play the role of either Persecutor or Rescuer, we violate others' boundaries. When we are in the Victim role, we feel someone has violated one of our boundaries. Psychological games are especially prominent in co-dependent relationships. When we are playing on the Drama Triangle, we are vulnerable to emotional pain and lack of authenticity. The goal is to move off the Triangle altogether, to a frame of mind where we are clear about our power to protect ourselves and about how to respect others as well.

Many of us can readily identify with the Victim role: someone hasn't respected an important boundary and we feel discounted, hurt, oppressed, ignored, abused, or taken advantage of. The Victim's slogan is "poor me!" Sometimes, in search of love or attention, we may actively or passively encourage others to victimize us. Others who are playing either the Persecutor or the Rescuer role need to have a Victim to keep their game going, and they will have little incentive to change their ways voluntarily.

To get off the Victim position, you must change your own behaviour. Focus on clear problem solving. Think about your boundaries and what you need to do to enforce them. Figure out how to get what you need, ask someone to stop doing something hurtful or offensive, ask them to let you figure things out for yourself, or leave (or avoid) a dangerous or toxic situation. Associate with people who are mutually supportive and spend less time with friends or relatives who do not support you. Learn to understand that others do not have the right to define who you are, and that their opinions are simply that. If someone believes you are "bad", that doesn't mean you are bad! The clearer you can be about your needs and safe, effective ways to get them met, the sooner you will stop feeling like a Victim.

It's also easy to recognize the Rescuer in us. Searching for love in a roundabout way, the Rescuer tends to put others' needs first, protecting, advising and carrying feelings for them. The Rescuer feels responsible for others, not responsible to them. The Rescuer's logic (often unconscious) goes like this: if I can only help her/him enough by doing "x" for them, they will appreciate me (read "love me"). Unfortunately, the Rescuer needs a Victim to rescue. The Rescuer's words and actions are perceived by the recipient as implying weakness or inability: "here, let me do it for you, you poor thing!" The Rescuer's hidden message is that they know better than you what you need. The recipient will often lash out in return. The Rescuer, now feeling like s/he is the Victim, usually says: "I was only trying to help!"

If you recognize Rescuer tendencies in yourself, focus on acknowledging and respecting the other person's responsibility for their own life choices and on nurturing yourself. Show empathy, encourage, confront kindly. Offer help if they ask for it and you are willing to give it. Trust that the other person has 'enough' to make it, and expect them to be responsible for themselves and their own actions. Figure out what you were trying to get for yourself through rescuing, and find clearer ways to get it.

Few of us easily recognize our own Persecutor tendencies. The Persecutor gives others subtle or not so subtle messages that say "you're no good" or "I'm better than you". Some Persecutors are physically abusive, others verbally or emotionally abusive, like an overly critical parent. Persecutors set unnecessarily strict limits, blame and oppress others. They are mobilized by anger. Their language may be all-inclusive ("you always…") or all exclusive ("you never…"). If you see Persecutor traits in yourself, you can eliminate these by setting clear guidelines for how you treat others.

There are a number of excellent books dealing with the concept of boundaries. Two of my favourites are Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, and Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield. The book by Cloud & Townsend is written from a loving, accepting Christian perspective and is an excellent antidote for anyone who was raised in an overly authoritarian, fundamentalist religious culture. Their tone may be a bit much for people who don't share their religious views, yet there is still much that can be learned from them. Another excellent book is The Gay and Lesbian Self-Esteem Book: A Guide to Loving Ourselves by Kimeron Hardin.

It takes a bit (or a lot) of self-examination and determination to create appropriate boundaries for ourselves. My clients consistently report, however, that it is one of the best ways to effectively reclaim their power and happiness. The bottom line is "you're worth it!"

© 2000, Judy Saltarelli, M.A.

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