"Illness is the night-side of life, a more onerous citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick." -- Susan Sontag
"There's a period of life where we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside" -- Pearl Bailey
"Because of its perverbal origins, shame is difficult to define. It is a healthy human power which can become a true sickness of the soul. There are two forms shame: nourshing shame and toxic/life- destroying shame. As toxic shame, it is an excruciatingly internal experience of unexpected exposure. It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside. It divides us from ourselves and from others. In toxic shame, we disown ourselves. And this disowning demands a cover-up. Toxic shame parades in many garbs and get-ups. It loves darkness and secretiveness. It is the dark secret aspect of shame which has evaded our study. Because toxic shame stays in hiding and covers itself up, we have to track it down by learning to recognize its many faces and its many distracting behavioral cover-ups." -- John Bradshaw
One of the most paralyzing aspects of any mental illness is the toxic shame that so many are burdened with as the result of society's general lack of understanding, knowledge and compassion. When one is mentally ill and has it constantly mirrored back to them that is shameful and negative in the eyes of society if can be more than just difficult, it can be almost impossible, for those who are mentally ill to not internalize this misinformed attitude. Internalized shame is toxic by its very nature. Usually the way we experience mental illness being mirrored back to us is a repeat of how we experienced our early challenges being mirrored back to us by our primary caregivers. Therefore, this toxic shame is deeply embedded in us and it is up to each one of us to work it through and to reclaim our self-respect and pride. No one is perfect. Each of us has a right to respect, pride, worth and dignity just for who we are with no exceptions.
According to Erik Erickson, a sense of shame is part of the second stage of psychosocial development. If this need is not met we learn that the world is not a safe place and we learn not to trust. Often we are then unable to trust not only anyone else, but ourselves as well. This separation from self then sets us up to feel and to be separated from others.
When we feel this way we begin to protect and when we do this we then become closed to learning. Dr Karen E. Peterson, Ph.D., says in her book, "The Tomorrow Trap" that we either choose to protect or we choose to learn in life.
Bradshaw in "Healing The Shame That Binds You says: "Healthy shame is an emotion which signals us about our limits. Like all emotions, healthy shame is an energy-in- motion. Like all emotions it moves us to get our basic needs met. One of our basic needs is structure. We ensure our structure by devloping a boundary system within which we safely operate. Structure gives our lives form. Boundaries and form offer us safety and allow a more efficient use of energy. Healthy shame keeps us grounded. Healthy shame is the basic metaphysical boundary for human beings. Healthy shame gives us permission to be human."
At times we may have some healthy shame around our issues/illnesses and to the degree this is positive for us in that it makes us aware of our limits and boundaries. This is vastly different from toxic shame though. In healthy shame there is no "less than" attitude. Healthy shame is not negative and is not an emotional trap. It is an energizing expression of how things really are for us in our lives.
Many with any kind of mental illness will tend to be isolated in and with their mental illness and this can set up a rather black and white, "us versus them" mentality. Us, being the mentally ill, versus them, the perceived "normal", the perceived healthy (Maslow only found that 2% of the population is actually mentally healthy) and the often thought of as perfect. Often we confuse functionality or loyalty to obligation/duty/roles as "mental health". This couldn't be further from the truth. There are so many people out there who are suffering from mental illness without admitting or acknowledging this to themselves and who are not getting help. Whether one works or not, "functions" according to what society most values or not is not the criteria of the worth of a human being in totality.
The true toxic shame lies in the reality that many do not seek help for whatever reason. Or that many or who do seek help are not helped for whatever reasons. In order to not live a life steeped in shame each and every one of us, especially those with mental illness, must do the best he/she can to allievate their pain and suffering and to get the most out of life possible.
How often do we think that because we have or have had a mental illness that others are better than us or that they are "perfect". There is no perfect out there. Be proud of who you are, mental illness or not". Be the best you, that you can be.
We don't have to hide who we are. We don't have to believe the media who likes to only speak of mental illness in the all-negative and very tragic news when people act out their problems. The truth is that most people with mental illness will not be violent. Most people with mental illness are getting the help that they need to cope and are coping in ways that do not largely affect society in any negative way.
You will not see mirrored back to you from society, in general, or media, specifically, the courageous journeys of so many of us who are determined to take our misfortune, our pain, and our mental illness and not only better ourselves, educate ourselves and do the very best we can in our lives but also who want to give back, and who do give back to the community in many varying ways.
Many with mental illness may not be able to do 9-5 full-time work. There is value in many other kinds of work too, though. Again, something that is not mirrored back to us by our "money is the bottom-line -obsessed" society.
For many of us a lot of our shame is internalized in families that just didn't and still don't understand us. For many of us it was those very invalidating environments that resulted in us having emotional issues to deal with. So much addiction and many forms of mental illness (such as personality disorders) have a strong basis in internalized shame.
According to John Bradshaw, in his book, "Healing the Shame That Binds You": "...life-damaging power of internalized shame. Its power lies in its darkness and secrecy. By exposing this demon, we can begin to set up educational programs and therapeutic approaches to prevent shame from being internalized in families. We can find creative ways our society, schools, and religions can counteract the dynamics of shame-based identity formation. Such a search is crucial. It moves us in the direction of actually finding a way to prevent addiction." (And I would think also prevent a lot of the suffering that occurs as the result of shame and unmet needs in personality disorders.)
To quote Bradshaw again: "Toxic shame originates interpersonally, primarily in significant relationships. Our most significant relationships are our source relationships. They occur in our original families. Our families are where we first learn about ourselves. Our core identity comes first from the mirroring of our primary caretakers. Our destiny depended to a large extent on the health of our caretakers"
There are things that we do, which may be a part of our mental illnesses, or not, but that we must own in order not to remain in a toxically shameful place. It is okay to be vulnerable, to be human, to have made mistakes and to feel pain or regret and healthy shame as a result of those mistakes and experiences when we perhaps just felt short of where we wanted to be and what we may have hoped to share with others. It is natural to grieve our losses. In admitting the role that we played in them we can free ourselves from the pain of loss and regret and move on and try again and again and do better and better.
Acknowledge your issues and know who you are. Deal with coping the best that you can and making whatever contribution you can to the world around you. But whatever you do, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP and do not apologize for who you are. Be proud of all of the work that you have done and/or are doing and know that you matter and you are important and that we all have a place in this world.
We also need to acknowledge our roles in perpetuating the choices and patterns of thinking that cause us continued pain from our pasts in the here and now. This is the way out of toxic shame. Often we need to feel our healthy shame and work through that in order to stop the cycles of toxic shame in our lives.
There need not be any shame associated with being mentally ill. Each of us is where we are for reasons. Reasons that only we and those close to us know. No one else can walk a mile in your shoes and so no one else can really know what it is like to be you. Be the best you that you can be and hold your head up. Refuse to internalize society's negative and devaluing messages. Those who are the least understanding of mental illness, often, have unaddressed issues themselves and therefore fear those who are actively getting help.
Toxic shame is internalized through our family systems. It is most often internalized at a very young age. It sets the stage for many different kinds of mental illness. Learning to value and validate ourselves for who we are is a way to refuse to hold on to your internalized shame anymore. Free yourself. Discover your worth. Focus on the positive. For many mental illness is and has been a greater teacher than anything else. Mental illness is a growth opportunity and not a liability. Live well and endure!
"Beyond talent lie all the usual words: discipline, love, luck, but, most of all, endurance." -- James Baldwin
as of September 9, 2001