Borderline Personality Disorder


Borderline They Said ...

Borderline they said - I am Borderline no more...

Settled and content
with the average problems
that all face in life
playing catch-up and 
enjoying the challenges that
presents

I know myself
I accept myself
I nurture myself
I am consistent with myself and others
I trust myself
I am here for myself
I like and love me

I am not the centre of the universe and it feels
wonderful to be free of needing that delusion

The merry-go-round has stopped spinning
I am no longer concerned about losing or winning
Sometimes things hurt but I can soothe and take care of myself
The merry-go-round has stopped spinning

I feel average
I feel competent
I feel present in the here and now
I feel respected

There is peace in the quiet
No more need to scream
There are tears to express pain
Gone is my stock-pile of anger
I have met and now know myself
There is peace in the quiet

Borderline I was
Borderline is a thing of the past
as others approach me, trust me, like me, relate to me,
Borderline I was
I have discarded all of my masks

Out for all to see, no more hiding
Found, I am found, no longer lost
Swimming or treading water, at times, no longer drowning
No more need for fighting I am a peaceful person
I tell the truth, I am authentic, no more lies
Rarely scared - but when I am I deal appropriately with my fears
No more anger - just peace, acceptance and calm
I am a part of the main now - I belong
I am no longer isolated
I am succeeding and able to be reliable and function competently
I understand myself and that's all that really matters

Borderline they said to me, years ago
I have unwound all that that meant
Borderline they said to me, years ago
Healing has given me a re-birth and delight in what it means to be
present in the here and now

I know that I am
I am found
I have broken the walls of glass - I am in the world now
I feel closer and significant in my own right
I am free of the walls of BPD
I am no longer in agony - I am free
I am much like others with my own accepted individual differences
I know what I want -- and why
I make many decisions and choices and take responsibility for them
I am who I have always known I was - I am who I want to be
I continue to grow more into this person by the day
I know that I am -- me and who that is, is okay

People dare
People care, I care
Many people share, I share
People do care

Living in the average challenges of life
found in the absence of chaos
free from drama
so so so at peace and devoid of anger
am I

Borderline they said - I was borderline

Where there were storms of self
there are now calm waters of learning and challenge
Where there once was chaos and helplessness
there is now calm competence

I am no longer borderline
I do not have Borderline Personality Disorder anymore
I have unwound the wounds

What I feel now is "healthy"
Sometimes I feel joy and or bliss
Sometimes I feel down
Sometimes I feel sad
Sometimes I feel happy and sad at the same time
What I feel now is "healthy"

I do not think in extremes
I can think and feel beyond black and white
People can make mistakes, disappoint me or let me
down without fear of retribution or of falling off
some plastic pedestal
I feel equal to - not less than others

I am still playing catch-up
I am okay with this
I am patient with myself
I am still learning more about what it means to be A.J.
A.J. is still a work in progress
I am far from perfect and glad for that
I am free to make mistakes
I still get to anxious often but I handle it much better
I am fat and that's okay too
I still overeat but I am doing the best I can
I am an average human being
I have a very deep and lovingly-compassionate soul
I want to make and leave my part of the world a better place
for my having been here than it was when I first arrived
I am human
I am imperfect
I am just me
I am who I am
I am what I am

I live every day with the reality of joy's disorder
and life's sorrow
mixed in with the moments of awestruck-wonder, laughter
and a happy peaceful sense of contentment
I am a good person with faults who makes mistakes
I live every day in the bright light of colours that
weave themselves together into a rainbow of middle-ground,
in the "grey" that is the big picture of it all

I am aware of and thankful for life's grace
I so appreciate the sychronicity of the universe
I have no control over it
I have let go of all that I have no control over
I am often surprised by it
The beauty of it all - pain and joy - take my breath away

I am okay with me
I am grateful for so much
I can still cry for the damage that was done to me
I still grieve for all the abuse and damage that I caused
others when I was borderline
I am still saddened to think of all the missed opportunities
both personal and career that slipped through my borderline
reality

I forgive my abusers
I forgive my parents
I forgive those who've harmed me in the past
and most importantly -- I FORGIVE MYSELF

I am grateful for the gift that pain is
I know that it was only through my pain
that I have come to know peace and joy
and bliss
I am grateful for the gift that pain is
 
It's okay
I'm okay
I am where I was meant to be at this point in my life
I will get to where I am to be
I will continue to journey on
It's okay

Life beyond Borderline Personality Disorder
is in many ways much more challenging than life
with BPD was
Life is good
Life is precious

I have found my voice
I have a voice
I use my voice for good
I use my voice to express love and care and compassion 
I have found my voice

I have identified my authentic self
I know what I value
I know what I like and don't like
I have boundaries and limits
I respect the boundaries and limits of others 
I have identified my authentic self

Beyond healing from BPD there are four major things to cope with

guilt
shame
remorse
regret

I have gotten very far in working through these 
Even when I feel something a bit old, briefly, I can
quickly let it go, and move on 

Now I am working on being as proud of myself for
where I've been and what I have achieved as anyone
else is or "should be"
I am no longer ashamed that I have had a personality
disorder
I am no longer ashamed that I still have an anxiety
disorder

Beyond BPD life can still hurt and problems arise
The difference is all in the way in which I cope

I cope, I don't abdicate
I take responsibility, I don't blame others
I act, speak and live with dignity respecting
myself and others
I don't look to others to solve my problems
I take care of myself
I cope, I don't abdicate

Having been borderline
I will always remember that pain
that abyss of agonizing-angst
I will always remember what it was like to
not know who I was or what I wanted or needed
Having been borderline I am so grateful for my recovery


Borderline they said - I am Borderline no more...

  © A.J. Mahari September 4, 2000



  • Soul's Reading Corner - BPD Main Page
  • Soul's Reading Corner Submission & Menu Page
  • Soul's Self Help