Borderline they said - I am Borderline no more... Settled and content with the average problems that all face in life playing catch-up and enjoying the challenges that presents I know myself I accept myself I nurture myself I am consistent with myself and others I trust myself I am here for myself I like and love me I am not the centre of the universe and it feels wonderful to be free of needing that delusion The merry-go-round has stopped spinning I am no longer concerned about losing or winning Sometimes things hurt but I can soothe and take care of myself The merry-go-round has stopped spinning I feel average I feel competent I feel present in the here and now I feel respected There is peace in the quiet No more need to scream There are tears to express pain Gone is my stock-pile of anger I have met and now know myself There is peace in the quiet Borderline I was Borderline is a thing of the past as others approach me, trust me, like me, relate to me, Borderline I was I have discarded all of my masks Out for all to see, no more hiding Found, I am found, no longer lost Swimming or treading water, at times, no longer drowning No more need for fighting I am a peaceful person I tell the truth, I am authentic, no more lies Rarely scared - but when I am I deal appropriately with my fears No more anger - just peace, acceptance and calm I am a part of the main now - I belong I am no longer isolated I am succeeding and able to be reliable and function competently I understand myself and that's all that really matters Borderline they said to me, years ago I have unwound all that that meant Borderline they said to me, years ago Healing has given me a re-birth and delight in what it means to be present in the here and now I know that I am I am found I have broken the walls of glass - I am in the world now I feel closer and significant in my own right I am free of the walls of BPD I am no longer in agony - I am free I am much like others with my own accepted individual differences I know what I want -- and why I make many decisions and choices and take responsibility for them I am who I have always known I was - I am who I want to be I continue to grow more into this person by the day I know that I am -- me and who that is, is okay People dare People care, I care Many people share, I share People do care Living in the average challenges of life found in the absence of chaos free from drama so so so at peace and devoid of anger am I Borderline they said - I was borderline Where there were storms of self there are now calm waters of learning and challenge Where there once was chaos and helplessness there is now calm competence I am no longer borderline I do not have Borderline Personality Disorder anymore I have unwound the wounds What I feel now is "healthy" Sometimes I feel joy and or bliss Sometimes I feel down Sometimes I feel sad Sometimes I feel happy and sad at the same time What I feel now is "healthy" I do not think in extremes I can think and feel beyond black and white People can make mistakes, disappoint me or let me down without fear of retribution or of falling off some plastic pedestal I feel equal to - not less than others I am still playing catch-up I am okay with this I am patient with myself I am still learning more about what it means to be A.J. A.J. is still a work in progress I am far from perfect and glad for that I am free to make mistakes I still get to anxious often but I handle it much better I am fat and that's okay too I still overeat but I am doing the best I can I am an average human being I have a very deep and lovingly-compassionate soul I want to make and leave my part of the world a better place for my having been here than it was when I first arrived I am human I am imperfect I am just me I am who I am I am what I am I live every day with the reality of joy's disorder and life's sorrow mixed in with the moments of awestruck-wonder, laughter and a happy peaceful sense of contentment I am a good person with faults who makes mistakes I live every day in the bright light of colours that weave themselves together into a rainbow of middle-ground, in the "grey" that is the big picture of it all I am aware of and thankful for life's grace I so appreciate the sychronicity of the universe I have no control over it I have let go of all that I have no control over I am often surprised by it The beauty of it all - pain and joy - take my breath away I am okay with me I am grateful for so much I can still cry for the damage that was done to me I still grieve for all the abuse and damage that I caused others when I was borderline I am still saddened to think of all the missed opportunities both personal and career that slipped through my borderline reality I forgive my abusers I forgive my parents I forgive those who've harmed me in the past and most importantly -- I FORGIVE MYSELF I am grateful for the gift that pain is I know that it was only through my pain that I have come to know peace and joy and bliss I am grateful for the gift that pain is It's okay I'm okay I am where I was meant to be at this point in my life I will get to where I am to be I will continue to journey on It's okay Life beyond Borderline Personality Disorder is in many ways much more challenging than life with BPD was Life is good Life is precious I have found my voice I have a voice I use my voice for good I use my voice to express love and care and compassion I have found my voice I have identified my authentic self I know what I value I know what I like and don't like I have boundaries and limits I respect the boundaries and limits of others I have identified my authentic self Beyond healing from BPD there are four major things to cope with guilt shame remorse regret I have gotten very far in working through these Even when I feel something a bit old, briefly, I can quickly let it go, and move on Now I am working on being as proud of myself for where I've been and what I have achieved as anyone else is or "should be" I am no longer ashamed that I have had a personality disorder I am no longer ashamed that I still have an anxiety disorder Beyond BPD life can still hurt and problems arise The difference is all in the way in which I cope I cope, I don't abdicate I take responsibility, I don't blame others I act, speak and live with dignity respecting myself and others I don't look to others to solve my problems I take care of myself I cope, I don't abdicate Having been borderline I will always remember that pain that abyss of agonizing-angst I will always remember what it was like to not know who I was or what I wanted or needed Having been borderline I am so grateful for my recovery Borderline they said - I am Borderline no more... © A.J. Mahari September 4, 2000