Bipolar - A Roller Coaster Ride To Nowhere



 I have ultradian bipolar disorder (translation ultra rapid 
rapid cycling bipolar disorder).  I can cycle sometimes 4-5 
times in one day which is so uncomfortable.  I could be hypomanic 
at 8 am, by 11 am in tears from depression, by 1:00 pm hypo,  
3:30 in tears, etc etc throughout the day.  I have to get chores 
done while I'm high, because when I crash to the lows I'm no good 
to anyone.  Problem is too, during the lows I get suicidal and 
that makes for a dangerous situation, but I know it will pass so 
I hold on for dear life.

 Life wasn't always like this.  I have suffered from depression 
since I was 12.  Major depession around 14-15 years of age, even 
contemplating suicide during those years, but that passed probably 
because I got a job and out of the house and contact with other 
people. Throughout my twenties and thirties I had mild depression.  
I would get "down" but could always shrug it off.  Then came 1994, 
and the bomb dropped, I had a major depessive episode and at the same 
time having constant flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse. Started 
therapy, was on many, many anti-depressants throughout the years which 
really didn't do much good.  I was on a lot of the SSRI's (Paxil, 
Serzone, Effexor, Zoloft, Prozac), and it wasn't until 1995 that I 
started to notice mood swings which I reported to my psychiatrist.  
He kept me on Zoloft, which I later found out was the biggest mistake 
because it made me cycle very badly.  So badly in fact, I bought a 
car!  My husband was not thrilled with that purchase, and so went my 
credit cards.

 I started taking Lithium, which did no good to even out my moods, 
then came valproic acid, no good either because it made my blood 
platlet level go too low, so ended up on carbamazapine and that was 
the best med of all for the moment.

 Throughout all of these years I have been hospitalized some 30 
times, mostly for suicidal ideation, and four times for overdoses.  
When I crash into depression I get deeply depressed, almost 
incapacitated.  It is my black hole, where I am at the bottom, 
trudging through muck looking way up at the light up at the top.  
I must dig myself out everytime.  Sometimes I don't feel like it, 
and it is those times I become very suicidal and just want to be 
dead because I am tired.

 I was on a six week, unrelentless depression last month and put 
into the hospital and given a teeny-tiny dose of Celexa, and I 
ended up cycling, and going manic for 1 1/2 weeks where I had to 
see my psychiatrist everyday I was so high.  Did some stupid things 
(that I don't care to mention), but I become loud, obnoxious, daring, 
and sometimes rude when manic.

 The mania continues in a cycling pattern now.  I am getting the 
depression, but only slightly everday a couple of times during the 
day, but mostly manic. Thoughts are racing, like I'm a VCR on fast 
forward, or talking like the Fed-Express guy.

 Life is grand when you're high, but I still hold my breath for the 
depression - will it hit hard or will I be let off gently.

 Life is a rollercoaster for me.

 I have been on almost every medication and probably termed 
"untreatable". I am now on Lithium for the 4th time to calm down 
the mania's.  Not doing it's job.

 I guess I live with this and hope for a miracle cure.

Debbie


as of April 24, 2000


  • Bipolar Disorder