I have ultradian bipolar disorder (translation ultra rapid rapid cycling bipolar disorder). I can cycle sometimes 4-5 times in one day which is so uncomfortable. I could be hypomanic at 8 am, by 11 am in tears from depression, by 1:00 pm hypo, 3:30 in tears, etc etc throughout the day. I have to get chores done while I'm high, because when I crash to the lows I'm no good to anyone. Problem is too, during the lows I get suicidal and that makes for a dangerous situation, but I know it will pass so I hold on for dear life. Life wasn't always like this. I have suffered from depression since I was 12. Major depession around 14-15 years of age, even contemplating suicide during those years, but that passed probably because I got a job and out of the house and contact with other people. Throughout my twenties and thirties I had mild depression. I would get "down" but could always shrug it off. Then came 1994, and the bomb dropped, I had a major depessive episode and at the same time having constant flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse. Started therapy, was on many, many anti-depressants throughout the years which really didn't do much good. I was on a lot of the SSRI's (Paxil, Serzone, Effexor, Zoloft, Prozac), and it wasn't until 1995 that I started to notice mood swings which I reported to my psychiatrist. He kept me on Zoloft, which I later found out was the biggest mistake because it made me cycle very badly. So badly in fact, I bought a car! My husband was not thrilled with that purchase, and so went my credit cards. I started taking Lithium, which did no good to even out my moods, then came valproic acid, no good either because it made my blood platlet level go too low, so ended up on carbamazapine and that was the best med of all for the moment. Throughout all of these years I have been hospitalized some 30 times, mostly for suicidal ideation, and four times for overdoses. When I crash into depression I get deeply depressed, almost incapacitated. It is my black hole, where I am at the bottom, trudging through muck looking way up at the light up at the top. I must dig myself out everytime. Sometimes I don't feel like it, and it is those times I become very suicidal and just want to be dead because I am tired. I was on a six week, unrelentless depression last month and put into the hospital and given a teeny-tiny dose of Celexa, and I ended up cycling, and going manic for 1 1/2 weeks where I had to see my psychiatrist everyday I was so high. Did some stupid things (that I don't care to mention), but I become loud, obnoxious, daring, and sometimes rude when manic. The mania continues in a cycling pattern now. I am getting the depression, but only slightly everday a couple of times during the day, but mostly manic. Thoughts are racing, like I'm a VCR on fast forward, or talking like the Fed-Express guy. Life is grand when you're high, but I still hold my breath for the depression - will it hit hard or will I be let off gently. Life is a rollercoaster for me. I have been on almost every medication and probably termed "untreatable". I am now on Lithium for the 4th time to calm down the mania's. Not doing it's job. I guess I live with this and hope for a miracle cure.Debbie