1) How did you discover or come to learn that you were co-dependent?
I went to counselling most of my adult life. The first thing I discovered is that I made bad marriage choices, and some bad job choices. Then I discovered I am Dyslexic and went to learn about that. I started going to Al-anon because I was working closely with an AA musician and wanted to be able to relate to his recovery. After awhile, I saw I had some of the same problems as the Al-anons, but not exactly. It took time as this was the mid '80's to discover the word, "Codependency" and understand it, and find a CoDA group. I cannot separate the abuse I have suffered at school as a child and at home from my Dyslexia because it is all in there together. Finding CoDA occurred in 1990.
1a) What did that mean to you then?
That I was beginning to find answers that maybe could help me have a better life.
1b) What does it mean to you now?
I have more information to work with.
2) What has been the most painful aspect of co-dependency for you?
I used to get involved in very destructive relationships with men. I don't now. and I know it's really that there are awful people in the world, that I have done nothing to deserve abuse, or "asked for it", or brought it on myself. That I am a good and productive person and I don't have to take abuse any more. I'd rather be single.
2a) What have you done (or are you doing) to heal that pain?
I try to keep on keeping on. I meditate and pray a lot - not just to conquer the pain but also to try to heal the Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder. I try to stay away from medication. I try to watch my diet. I try and get lots of rest and continue to have hope when I don't feel there is any. I want the time I have left to be focused on the things that are valuable to me - My Son, and relatives, my work - art and music, my spiritual path which includes praying for others and sending them healing energies.
3) How have any changes that you've made effected your life?
Since sometimes the choices aren't ours to make - I am still being harassed and stalked and my life is not the same as when I began CoDA, but it's very possible the 12-Steps have somehow made me able to get through these most serious seven of fourteen years of it. I tried the restraining order and filing reports. I got the order for three years, but that didn't cover accomplices. I was almost stranggled in my living room after getting the order by a man who knew everything about me and told me how things would be . And they have been. That occurred in 1993. My life has been slowly closed down, I stay at home mostly, now. And I can't get any legal help. Anyway, I will try to keep posting the CoDA 12-Steps, for I do believe in God / HP. and continue to try and seek legal help and counselling.
Not all victims of stalking can flee or get the legal system to help. It's a fact. I am grateful for every day for with every new day, there's a hope for answers and solutions.
I hope I have been clear and direct in my answers and believed. Because it's true. I hope I've been of help to others..because when we decide to leave a bad relationship, it doesn't always agree to let us go and that needs to be said. And, there isn't always any help available. I still know that leaving the relationship was the only right thing for me to do.
Josie
1) I found out when I was going through my divorce and wound up in a therapist's off crying that my ex had stolen my personality.
1a) I was given the suggestion that I go to a coda meeting, I was scared, but willing to try and wanted to "find" my personality again. When I went to my first meeting, it was a shock and a "relief" to find out that I was not alone in my feelings, that there are others like me, and it is possible to change.
1b) Now it means that each day I must tell myself that I am not here just to care for others, to act like a 'god' in that I know what is best for others. And to realize that I am the person that must take care of me, that to feel that 'I have done for others why haven't they done for me' and then when someone does try to take care of me I then start to resent it, that that is just my inner self making a mess of my emotions. It means that I have to stop being so hard on myself, to join in, and walk away if that is what is needed for me. It means that each day I have to tell myself to stop beating that dead horse.
2) The most painful part is learning to grow up and the mistakes that entails.
2a) What I do is try and remember that I am just human, that I make mistakes but do not have to beat myself up about them.
3)to me the changes feel good, not all the time and not always right away, there are aspects to growing up that feel good to you but at the same time cause hurt to the ones that are used to feeding your codependency. And even if what you do, say, or feel is right for you - it can hurt the ones in your family that are used to your coda reactions to life: not everyone feels that change is good. But when all is said and done, you have to 'grow up' and learn to except the feelings that others feel, and then do what feels right for you. Every one has feelings, and when feelings differ that does not mean that one is right and one is wrong, just that they are different.
Jo Ann
1) I ONLY RECENTLY REALIZED THAT I WAS FOLLOWING THE SAME PATTERN AND FALLING FOR SIMILAR MEN,MEN LIKE MY FATHER.
A) I WAS SCARED AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. FELT LIKE I WAS CAUGHT IN A SPIDER'S WEB.
B) NOW I SEE THE PROBLEM FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE-REALIZATION OF WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING.
2)THE MOST PAINFUL ASPECT OF CO-DEPENDENCY HAS BEEN THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THE GIVING AND THE OTHER PERSON HAS BEEN EGO-BLASTED TO DO ALL THE RECEIVING!!!!
2A) I CALL PRAYER LINES, PRAY AND ANALYSE THE SITUATION MYSELF, READ THIS SUPPORT GROUP'S MESSAGES AND SLOWLY WORK AT IT.
3) THE PRAYER ASPECT OF THIS AND OTHER SITUATIONS HAS HELPED A GREAT DEAL AND TALKING TO PRAYER PARTNERS(I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SUPPORT MOST TIMES EXCEPT FOR MY GOD/HP). I TRY TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF NOT TO WRITE TO THIS PERSON BUT I STILL DO. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM (REALIZED THAT AT THE END OF '99) BUT NEEDY OF WANTING HIS ATTENTION AND SILENT SUPPORT AS HE IS AN INFLUENTIAL PERSON AND HE IS KIND AND UNDERSTANDING FOR THE MOST PART.
MARION
1) How did you discover or come to learn that you were co-dependent?
I had heard the word several years ago and realized that it might apply to me but wasn't in a place where I could work on it. When some of the same problems started cropping up in my second marriage that had in my first marriage (to a very controlling man whom I suspect was a sex addict) I realized that I needed to get some help with my own behavior. My husband and I went to counseling for a while and read "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. I asked the counselor if there was a group for people who had the problems described but no real identifiable addictions. She directed me to a local CoDA meeting.
1a) What did that mean to you then?
It meant that I had was unable to identify what I felt, what I wanted and what I needed, much less express any of that. It meant that the closer I got to my husband, the less honest I was with him. It meant that I felt so guilty saying "no" that I almost never did. I stayed in relationships and jobs for years that weren't good for me and did things that I believed were wrong because I was so afraid of being abandoned. I put caring for myself behind just about everyone and everything else.
1b) What does it mean to you now?
That I have to remain aware. By writing and being with my support group I stay aware and connected. I know that I need to keep this up for the rest of my life or I will slide back into old behavior.
2) What has been the most painful aspect of co-dependency for you?
Facing up to my own behavior. It was awfully easy for me to blame my ex-husband and other abusive people for my behavior. As part of the 12 step process, I made an amends to my ex. This was extremely important for me to do because it got me unhooked from him and from my victim role. It took me a long time to figure out how to own my own behavior without feeling like I was denying my pain and the very real abuse. Being able to hand him over to my Higher power helped me with this immensely. Having cleared that hurdle, I'm able to do it with others now as well.
2a) What have you done (or are you doing) to heal that pain?
The Step Study I participated in last year was profoundly healing for me. I am learning to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My support group is essential. I exercize, pray, meditate and write daily and continue to try to learn to use the tools that I wasn't taught as a child.
3) How have any changes that you've made effected your life?
Living in my skin is much easier. Looking back, I realize that many of the behaviors I used then are inconceivable to me now. I'm happier most of the time and much more in the moment. I sometimes get discouraged by how far I still have to go and how difficult some of this still is for me. I try, when that happens to pray and remind myself that I'm where I need to be and the rest will come when it's time.
Andrea
1) How did you discover or come to learn that you were co-dependent?
I suffered from many "broken hearts" in my young adult life, always wondering what I was doing wrong...I was giving all of my all of my relationships, and loving with all that I had to give, and constantly getting hurt....in my last relationship before I got into recovery, I realized one night that something was not quite right in my life and I had "had enough" of giving, and giving...I reached a point of despair that I could not crawl out of and a friend suggested a CODA meeting. I went to my first meeting with great hesitancy and cried all the way through it...there were others who suffered my pain with me!!! I was not alone!!! And there was also a wonderful God/HP who loved me unconditionally that was with me all the time!!! Finally I was not alone, and surrounded with love that I did not have to "earn".
1a) What did that mean to you then?
At that time it was a light at the end of my dark, lonely and painful tunnel.
1b) What does it mean to you now?
It means that I am not alone in my suffering, that I have a God (of my understanding) who loves me unconditionally and that there are endless resources to help me recover from this lonely place "one day at a time"
2) What has been the most painful aspect of co-dependency for you?
Those that I have lost, after realizing that my relationshiop with them was not healthy and is not conducive to my recovery and the pain of watching those I love who are not in recovery still suffer.
2a) What have you done (or are you doing) to heal that pain?
Praying for those not in recovery and building new relationships with others.
3) How have any changes that you've made effected your life?
I am beginning to learn how to set boundaries and I am also learning to practice assertiveness. My self esteem is growing because of this. Also, I have plenty more peace and serenity in my life. My relationships are becoming healthier. The most important change that I have made that has changed my life the most is that I have accepted a Higher Power into my life and am building a relationship with one who loves me all of the time every day and will not ever stop loving me...guaranteed.
I pray that my experiences have touched at least one, for I believe that feeling as though you are "not alone" is a very freeing thing.
Tanya
1)I had sought out counseling because my wife nearly had me convinced that I was the source/cause of the disharmony in our marriage. The couselor told me that she seemed to be more in need of immediate therapy than I but that I should check out CODA or AL-ANON. As jealous as my wife is, I never got to a CODA meeting, but I did find some 12 step materials at a yard sale. Then when I went on-line, I was looking for info on how to help my wife or at least learn to live with her, when I came across the borderline list AJ has. The references there to the CODA list sent me here. After reading the sharings for about a half a year, I realized that I was codependent. It's the only way to explain why I've stayed in this "marriage" for almost 22 years.
(1a) Initially, I thought that I really didn't have a problem, afterall, I don't go into rages nor do I depend on drugs, nor do I inflict suffering on others as entertainment or therapy. My only problem was being in a relationship with a person who is verbally, physically and emotionally abusive.
(1b)Now I see myself as part of the whole, that is, she and I are merely different sides of the same coin. I can't heal her or do anything to change her, I can only take care of myself and do what I feel is right and best for my son and daughter.
(2)The most painful aspect is the daily slights which serve to remind me that some spouses genuinely care about, and for, each other. And I feel that I've invested so much time in a futile enterprise.
(2a) The only way I see to heal the pain is to first remove the thorn (divorce) and then concentrate on making myself healthy and giving the space and support necessary for my kids to become emotionally healthy.
(3) Since reading about CODA I've stopped trying to reason with or out-argue my wife. I don't have as many emotional fluctuations as before. I won't spend the night "discussing" issues without ever resolving one point. There was never any intention or desire on her part to achieve an understanding. That would have eliminated the 'need' for future conflicts. And having conflicts was/is her primary objective. Also, I feel more hopeful about the future, since I know that I can do something to eliminate the suffering, although, initially, the divorce will be very unsettling and painful to all.
Wish I could have summarized more, but 22 years of turmoil is difficult to distill into a few sentences.
Glenn
Issues Of Co-dependency
as of September 24, 2000
