Those who are verbally, sexually, physically, and/or emotionally abused in childhood often end up in abusive relationships and either suffering more abuse or being abusive themselves. Why? Patterns and unresolved and unfinished business are two of the main reasons.

Any form of abuse leaves its victims feeling worthless, less than, often lost to him or herself, and not having had a chance to develop the kind of healthy boundaries that would protect against future involvement with other abusive people. Many who were abused as children were abused within the kind of dysfunctional, toxic, and enmeshed family systems that do not teach, model, or even allow them to develop healthy boundaries. Carrying poor emotional boundaries (or lacking them altogether) is a major reason why abused children often grow up to get involved in abusive, enmeshed, and toxic relationships.

The Roots, Effects, and Dangers of Verbal Abuse by A.J. Mahari

The Roots, Effects, and Dangers of Verbal Abuse

It is important to note and realize that Verbal Abuse is a serious form of abuse in and of itself and that it should not be minimized. Verbal abuse is often followed by other forms of abuse including physical abuse and violence.

Sadly, for so many people, toxic unhealthy, dysfunctional, relationships, that by their very definition aren’t the true sharing of healthy love, are all many people know. These types of relationships and ways of relating are the legacy left by having been the victim of childhood abuse.

Childhood abuse victims, and those who come from alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family systems learn a lifestyle of emotional dysregulation in which the drama and chaos of abuse is the norm rather than the exception. Many will go on to develop Borderline Personality Disorder. Emotional enmeshment is rampant and individuation is the exception. This can be said for more relationships than not these days. They are chaotic, full of toxic drama, and are abusive in ways that replicate what was experienced when many were abused as children.

There are more toxic and abusive relationships than healthy ones these days.  More and more we also see the results of abusive incidents played out in the news. News stories that reflect the troubled state of the family as a institution and that indicate the proliferating nature and reality of abuse.

Many people who were abused as children end up having to go through a series of unhealthy relationships that re-play out the unresolved issues of their pasts. Abuse often perpetuates abuse and/or continued victimization by someone you get into a relationship with that ends up being an abuser. Often what is needed is for those being abused or those who are abusing others to get some help to end those destructive and abusive ways of relating or of allowing others to relate to them in abusive ways.

For those, abused in childhood, who do not have their emotional needs met choosing relationships with emotionally unavailable people often results. I chose partners who were also emotionally unavailable and I was (without realizing it for years) setting myself up to re-experience many of the unresolved wounds of my abuse in childhood.

It’s a sad and painful fact that we duplicate what we knew in childhood in our adult relationships, to one extent or another. Children learn what they live, grow up to be adults, and then live what they learned all over again. The family, as an institution is crumbling. Most marriages end in divorce. Children of the last few generations and even more so today, more often than not, do not have both parents in the home. This is not to say that a single parent or blended families can’t thrive they certainly can. But often they don’t.

However, whether they thrive or are reasonably healthy and functional or not depends upon the family experience of the parents.

Legacies are passed down from generation to generation as are, obviously, inherited characteristics, likes and dislikes. We are taught more about who we are, what we will tolerate or not, what is acceptable and what is not, in our families of origin.

For those of us who grew up with a verbally abusive parent or parents, for example, we may have, unfortunately grown accustomed (unconsciously) to not only being put down by others but to also putting ourselves down – and in some cases having learned to judge, criticize, and put others down as well.

So much abusive relating gets mistaken for love. It is tragic but so possible to actually become addicted to this very toxic and chaotic way of trying to love and be loved.

In order to end patterns of abuse, whether you are the one being abusive or the one being abused, (or both) it is important and necessary to get professional help to resolve the issues that must be resolved so that both the abuser and the victim can gain insight into their situations in ways that not only make real and lasting change possible but that also address and break old habits, assumptions, and/or patterns of thinking and behaving.

Learn more about how to become more fully aware of just what your precious mistakes have been so that you can learn from them once and for all and find the healthy love, peace, and happiness that you so long for and deserve.

© A.J. Mahari September 2007 – All rights reserved.

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