Abusers are impostors to the reality of who they are. They wear a the mask of charming when really they are insecure and controlling. Abusers wear the masks necessary to get their own way. Masks of charm, masks of rage, masks of caring, and masks of competence – all to hide who they are.

Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, or emotional or psychological abuse, all have at the heart of them, on the part of the abuser, the misuse of power to intimidate and/or control that is externalized onto someone when the abuser actually feels threatened, less than, or out of control. All masks converge with the action of the abuser.

Regardless of the excuses or reasons offered or the persona adopted the abuser is an unknown to him/herself and as such must hide behind a variety of ever-changing masks to hide the fact that they are not who they have portrayed themselves to be. Many who abuse are not aware of how they feel inside. Their entire focus for everything desired, needed, wanted, or felt is placed onto their intimate other. While those abuse, physically, verbally, and/or emotionally, believe that their victims are responsible for “making them feel” angry, or hurt or whatever they feel – the truth is that what the abuser does feel is coming from deep within him or her and is then projected out onto the victim who is then blamed.

The victim, in an intimate relationship, is often in the role of the parent from the abuser’s past that he or she has unfinished issues with and the abuser emotional mind-set is akin to a young child throwing a tantrum.

Abuse is maltreatment. It is disrespectful, cruel, and the antithesis of love.

It is the domination, intimidation and bullying by people who are in a great deal of pain and who aren’t coping with, admitting, facing, or trying to resolve that pain. The intimate abuser wears many a mask of competence to in the world but at home, behind close doors, the real face emerges from behind the collection of masks.

Victims need to acknowledge the person behind the mask for who they are and take care of themselves. It is not the job, responsibility, or even ability of the victim to rescue the abuser from his or her demons. There is no difference between the anatomy of abuse whether the vehicle for its expression is verbal, sexual, physical, emotional and/or psychological. All abuse is abhorrent and unjustifiable.

All abuse is about the abuser’s narcissism and the shirking of his or her personal responsibility. Abusers experience and expect other human beings to be an extension of themselves.

At the heart of every form and act of abuse is an abuser who is acting from a place of fear.

Behind their masks, abusers wrongly believe that to verbally berate someone, call them names, manipulate them emotionally, lie, cheat on them sexually, emotionally exploit and use them, threaten to hit and/or hit them is justified because they attribute their feelings as having been caused by their victims. This is simply not true.

At the heart of every form and act of abuse is an abuser who is trying to wield inappropriate influence, control, and power over someone else to meet his or her own needs, to be right, or, simply to get what they want.

Abusers feel powerless and to compensate for those feelings that they do not know how to cope with they wear the mask of apparent power and control.

Abusers seek to control others because they are out of control of themselves. Abusers hiding behind masks of who you want them to be are impostors hiding who they really are.

When you see who they really are – believe that. The abuser hiding behind the mask of right all the time, in control all the time, being the one with the power all the time, is a helpless, often dangerous out of control child in an adult body. Exerting any kind of control over anyone else in any abusive way is a dominating act of intimidation designed by the abuser to level the playing field. Some use words to exert control, some use emotional abuse, some rage, yell, break things, threaten to hit their victim or do hit their victim.

Some abusers do it all. It is all wrong. None of it is about love. The aim of abuse on the part of the abuser is to have his or her victim feel worse, feel less than, feel to blame for how the abuser feels, demand that his or her needs be met, that he or she be seen as right without question, that what he or she says is what goes, the abuser wields whatever power he or she can to dominate – all with the intention to restore the mask – albeit a false mask – of being in control, competent, and powerful.

The abuser who steps out from behind the mask of “I love you” and hurts you, controls you, screams at you, calls you names, tries to influence or control what you do in any area of your life, doesn’t know what love is and isn’t capable of it right now.

Once you have seen beyond the mask of an abuser, you need to trust that what you’ve just seen, whether it be the first time or the tenth time, is real. Making excuses for the abuser or denying the abuse and your own rights is not going to change the abuser, stop the abuser, or make the abuse go away. Victims of all forms of abuse need to trust their instincts and not be afraid to make the changes in their lives that they both need and deserve.

The abuser who steps out from behind the mask of who you thought he or she was, is really trying to get someone to stop hurting him or her – however, that someone is usually not the person being abused – and is usually someone from the abuser’s past. Abuse is not the way that adults set limits or boundaries or have the right to take care of themselves or their own interests. Abuse isn’t a legitimate or acceptable way to solve problems or conduct relationships.

Abuse is the inappropriate use of an illusion of control and power that is actually masking a lack of personal power and the abuser’s feeling out of control.

The abuser, revealed, steps out from behind the mask of apparent adult and reveals him or herself to be an emotionally arrested narcissistic child in an adult’s body having attained only the chronological age of adulthood. The masks of power and control are designed to leave the victim feeling responsible and feeling guilty. The masks of the abuser’s misuse of power and control are the real thing – they are what each and every victim needs to believe and to heed.

Abuse is not love. A mask is not a face. An impostor is an actor. A wish won’t make a dream come true or make someone change. Abusers are not emotionally honest people. There is no excuse for abuse. There is no logical reason for abuse. There is no justification for abuse – period.

© A.J. Mahari – 2007 – All rights reserved.


A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach who specializes in working with people who are searching for ways to improve themselves, the quality of their lives, and the balance they need in their lives and who are working to create positive change. Change requires tapping into a greater awareness of what it is that you need and then finding ways to identify your goals and achieve them. A.J. has 6 years experience as a Life Coach who has coached hundreds of clients from all over the world.

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